Very often, an aspiration to help hides ordinary pridefulness, power and a desire to elevate oneself into such `a great rescuer’. By helping somebody without being asked, we prevent people from making their own decision and from understanding themselves. We take on the responsibility for the person and thus prevent him from growing as a Personality. And, as a rule, after such help and unsolicited advice, we ourselves feel emptiness. Then why do we act this way, following the patterns of our consciousness? Another insight that came to me after watching the programme `Consciousness and Personality. From the inevitably dead to the eternally Alive`, was that I understood that irritation is a state unnatural for a human being. Because irritation leads only to emotions heating up, instability and conflicts. And how long can that last?
Hello, dear friends!
Today, I would like to share with you something very private and candid, this new understanding after watching the programme `Consciousness and Personality. From the inevitably dead to the eternally Alive`.
I want to say that I don't really want to record these live vlogs. I don't have any desire to share with people. There is some kind of a wish to close myself in, to hide in a box, and to work on myself. But I understand that, again, this is the work of consciousness. It is my consciousness that doesn't want to share anything with anybody, it doesn't want to say anything to anybody. It just wants to look good in other people’s eyes, and it wants to do nothing – that's the most important thing for it. Because this reluctance is so sweet, so cosy. Not like it’s really sweet, but this kind of unpleasant sweetness. That’s why I made the decision to take action and say what I think and what I feel.
So, I’m re-reading my diary again... I do my best to read it all the time now, constantly. Why? Because my consciousness is always erasing some of my insights. If I have understood something, realised, had something like a breakthrough, then my diary is a great helper. If I didn't go and write down my insights in time, had listened to my consciousness which said `Oh, that’s so intense, I will remember it, it won’t go anywhere. I will just finish washing the dishes and then I’ll write everything down`, but in reality, I forget everything. Forget it at once. Sometimes even while I am talking to people, wanting to share some of my insights, an understanding, and I can forget what I am talking about at that moment, forget what I wanted to say. And I have observed how my consciousness just erases it. Every second, it erases the information it doesn`t need. Talking to like-minded people, to my friends, really helps me a lot. Watching the programme `Consciousness and Personality` for the hundredth time also helps me. I hear things there that I kind of heard before, but didn't hear.
Today I would like to share what `A Great Rescuer` I am. It happens very often in my life that while trying to be just a regular person, I always run to the rescue: run to someone’s aid, to save somebody, to help somebody. It seems to be a good aspiration – to help a person. But I’ve noticed that this good aspiration ends with some kind of emptiness. I started to examine this. I was trying to understand why there is an emptiness. And what did I see. First of all, I saw that nobody was asking for my help. I mean, I see that the person is feeling bad, but he is not asking for my help. And I start to butt in with my advice, with my tremendous help of a great rescuer. And that is what I have observed: I’m rescuing whoever I want to, but do they need... As you can see, I’m talking right now, and even now, every second, my consciousness is erasing what I want to say. There is some kind of a slight anxiety, unwillingness to talk in front of the camera. That’s why, while rescuing someone, I realise that there is some emptiness afterwards.
After watching the programme `Consciousness and Personality. From the inevitably dead to the eternally Alive`, I understood one subtle and interesting thing: first, I have to save myself. Like it is said, `Save yourself, and thousands around you will be saved.` You have to understand your own nature first, then you can act clever and save someone else. And the interesting thing is that the other person’s consciousness just wants to get my attention. After watching the programme yesterday, I understood more clearly that the spiritual world is self-sufficient, that the spiritual world has everything, absolutely everything. It doesn't need anything, It doesn't need any nourishment. Whereas, the material world is feeding on anti-allat, that is, through us, through people, anyway it has to go through. First, we have to convert pure Allat – God's power – into anti-allat: some kind of emotions, negativity – and feed the system with it. That is, as Igor Mikhailovich says in the programme, we just feed the system, we are just food for the system and for our consciousness.
So, going back to the subject of the`Great rescuer`, it is obvious that by rescuing somebody when I haven’t been asked for help, I just give away my power, because I am getting involved in the situation, some emotions start, I very much want to help. But who wants to? What is really happening, and why do I feel emptiness after that? I feel exhausted, there is no fullness, no feeling of being with God. I started to sort it out some more. I have realised that many of my problems are hiding in irritation and small things, actually in trifles. Irritation is one of my favorite patterns. I started trying to sort it out as well. Irritation. Why does it appear, and where do its roots come from? One may say that everything is simple there: I want power, I want everybody to act as I want them to act. But all of this is kind of a hidden and superficial answer. Actually, to move forward, I need to understand the reason, to understand the first step which I am making in the wrong direction. So, I’ve been observing my attitude towards my family. Irritation comes from small things. For example, when I come home after a long day at work and see dirty dishes and stuff scattered all around, I’ve noticed that irritation arises. I can’t even call it irritation, it is something small, like something is bothering me a little. But at that moment, I am in a good mood, I clean up after everybody, everything is tidy: peace, paradise, order. But I’ve realized that that small thing was exactly the first drop. That’s how a little irritation arises, and it is filling me drop by drop. And I notice that it starts to grow little by little when I don’t tell about it to people around me. Then it grows more and more, and finally it becomes kind of an ugly snowball, and then it bursts out – an explosion, a burst of emotions. Then comes irritation, it just pushes in, I can't say it in any other way. That’s when the explosion comes - `bang-bang`, and with the words `What the heck! How long will this go on!` and everything else. But stop! Again, I am empty, again… And I’ve noticed that if I discuss this with people immediately and don’t let it grow, then who is, in fact, guilty? If I see that something is wrong, if something was just forgotten, anything can happen, I just say, `Guys` or say to my child, `Please, clean up after yourself` (I’ve already tried this method). Meaning, I say it right away, I don't let it accumulate inside, I don't nurture it. And this association came to me: it’s like I am feeding a very big animal which will then eat me. Meaning, that one little drop of irritation – this animal gets bigger, then follows another drop of irritation, and it becomes even bigger. And it goes on like this until this animal grows into a huge beast. Then this beast is just eating me up, and I feel emptiness inside, just some rudimentary emptiness. So, the question is `Who needs this? Do I need this?` Not at all. So for me, I’ve taken up this way of working with irritation.
Especially after watching the programmes, after reading the books, after observing myself, I understand that for me, it is important to have that state of inner peace, serenity, a kind of purity. When I really know everything, I don’t need to prove anything to anybody, I can just be myself.
As for helping people, I always sincerely try to help if I am asked, when someone asks for my advice. But then, when I am sharing and I’m in a state of openness, in a deep inner state, I realise that it is not even me who is helping, because the right words are coming easily, and the person understands everything. Although some may call it a kind of incoherent speech, but the person does understand me. Maybe, that helps him. But I still remain full as I was before, I remain with God as I did before. And that‘s why I choose for myself to remain with God, to feel a sense of fullness. I don't want to break my connection with Him. I don't want these irritation games. I want to stay in this love and harmony.
Many thanks to everyone! See you soon! All the best to you!